As I prepare to pack up for the next stop on my BlackBerry Diaries book tour, there is one particular task I absolutely hate doing. No, it’s not jamming my clothes into the little carry on suitcase (which I always end up checking), or even making sure there’s enough milk in the fridge.

It’s “The List”.

You Moms know what I’m talking about. The list of “things to do/remember” for Dad while I’m away. I hate it for a few reasons:

1) Why do I have to write it? He leaves me a post-it with his hotel phone number on it, maybe, when he travels.

2) Why am I the keeper of such inane information? I can’t actually expect that he knows some of this stuff when I’m so saddened that I do, so I do have to write it down for him.

This time, I decided (for him, and for you), to simply reproduce a list I included in the BlackBerry Diaries.

• Yes you have to wake up the teenagers at 7:15. But what you don’t know is that this seemingly simple activity will take approximately 10 minutes out of your morning. Yell at them once, then twice, then nag them about packing up their knapsack before they come downstairs, then nag them about teeth brushing and combing hair – all things that yes, they should know, but no, they don’t.

• If you find a quiet moment to read the newspaper – do it! Because sometime in the next five minutes you will have something at a critical cooking point on the stove at the same exact moment that a bum needs to be wiped, a cut needs to bandaged, and a fight needs to be broken up. Carpe Diem? More like Carpe Momento!

• If you yell at the children make sure you close the windows first. Particularly the living room ones that face out to the sidewalk where every one of your nosy neighbours will walk by and judge you.

• Throw food out of the fridge if it stinks.

• Wash a kid if it stinks. Don’t ask questions.

• The four year old cannot turn corners on his bike without running into inanimate objects. Wear runners to follow him.

• Yes, I know about the ink on the leather couch. Find your happy place.

• If the kids tell you they don’t have any homework, they are either full of shit, totally clueless, or not listening. Follow up. Go into the knapsack if you have to. Wear gloves.

• Don’t believe them when they tell you I let them eat snacks right up until dinner time (except if you’re on a conference call and you need them to shut up. I’ve done that. Positive side of this is that you don’t have to make dinner as soon as you hang up).

• If a neighbour asks you to take their children for an hour or two, do it, but not without securing a return arrangement (in writing if it’s that cow at number 47). Even if the kids don’t want to go, send them. Not your problem.

• The grocery store gets upset if you try to put 16 items through on the 15 or less lane. Actually I’ll correct that – the grocery store doesn’t care, but those 7 crabby women behind you, they do. Take cover.

That should do it. Now I have to go roll my one good suit up into a ball, and decide which one pair of magic shoes will match every single outfit I take.

Wish me luck…and please join me in Alpharetta, Georgia at the North Point Mall, Friday October 16th and Saturday, October 17th, at 3:00 p.m.